What was I thinking?

I’m in another play. Tryouts were just before Christmas. Rehearsals started the week of Christmas (I think). I’m trying to memorize my lines and get the character down.

I shouldn’t have tried out. I shouldn’t have taken the part. I knew better, but I did it anyway. It was the only show of the season that I even wanted to be a part of.

It wasn’t that I just finished one show and rushed into a second. That is no problem at all. I usually like rehearsals and getting the part down. No, it was the timing of the show. It is the time of year and the days that surround it. I’m only doing half the work I need to do to get the character down. I’m actually doing less than that to get the lines memorized. My mind is unable to focus once I get home.

Maybe it will get better in the coming week or two (it better, the show is only 2 weeks away). I really hope so.

I have a handle on the why and the when. I am making a promise to myself to really limit my selection of shows to do in the early part of the year. Too many other things on my mind.


I remember the last thing we watched together. I remember our last meal together. I remember that damn oxygen machine. I remember sitting and holding your hand while you were going in and out of a fitful slumber. I remember walking you down the hall, you holding me for support. I remember the last time I tucked you in. I remember your last words. I remember my last words to you. I remember that first New Years Eve without you. I remember the memorial service and the people there. I remember that first anniversary without you.

Those are the thoughts that fill my head at this time of year. The inconsequential needs of a play find very little room in my head. Even after six years, the thoughts of you are one with me and I with them. I remember love.

8 thoughts on “What was I thinking?”

  1. Best wishes that you will get it together in time – I’m sure you will. Perhaps you figured that busyness would help to numb your sorrow, and I’m sorry it’s not. I’m sure when the play comes around, you will be up to doing your best for yourself and the other people involved.
    And when you are finished with the play, you can make some time to hang out with your friends more 🙂

  2. Couldn’t have said it better, taylhis. I know you will find a way to get that focus back, j for everyone else on stage and off. Hang in there!

  3. We were talking about that today. With family coming in from out of town, wanting Panera, B remembered that the first time we ever went to Panera was after saying goodbye to Mom at the hospital.
    At least you remember the service. I can remember some of the people there, and I remember that I said something, but I can’t even remember what I said, let alone anything else.
    But I remember her, and that’s what is important, right?

  4. dear little draclet, yes remembering her is important. I remember that trip to Panera too. I’ve only been in one Panera since that evening. I like the bread ok, but I was uncomfortable in the store. Is that where they want to go this weekend?

  5. JustjI understand you feeling overwhelmed but as some have said, this might be a good way to occupy yourself mentally and time wise.
    I know you will do a great job and I know she is proud of you also.
    You will make it work – you always do.

  6. It is getting there. I’m not sure what the directors think, but I’m still not happy with what I am doing on stage. I am my biggest critic.

  7. U’m sure it is going to be GREAT! I know quite a few people in your shoes, j. Several of us are our own worst critics.

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