My wife had an amazing opportunity to do something uber-fun with our two oldest daughters this evening…  I’m not going to spoil her chance to share it with you, so you will have to wait on the details.  But, the point is that she is not home tonight.  It is just me and “the littles” (Beeber and Disney).  And, boy, do I miss her!

I miss the kids too, but it is different.  The late-nights are our exclusive time together where we get to wind down from the day and just enjoy being together.  It is my favorite part of the day!  Does that make me a bad daddy?

Anyhow, her not being here tonight just leaves me feeling so empty and lonely.  I’ve tried a bunch of things to fill the void — playing football, doing chores, watching TV, working — and, finally…  BLOGGING!  And, you know if I am BLOGGING something must really be up!!

“The LORD God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone’ ” Genesis 2:18

I have so much respect and admiration for my friend John (who must just find this post pathetic).  His strength continues to be an inspiration for me throughout much of my life.  I did get to share dinner with him which was just awesome!  But still, I miss Lisa dearly!

I find myself doodling little hearts with “Lisa” in them and “I love Lisa” everywhere…  You know, like a 8th grade girl with a crush would do — eech!  Is this normal?  What is wrong with me!?

Ok…  I am going to try and get to bed before I further embarrass myself.

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The Bears are 3-0 on Sunday afternoon and 0-2 on Sunday night.  They played the Falcons this week – they lost.  What else needs to be said.  As always, since 1985, the Bears are inconsistent at best.

UGH!

• We lost our most celebrated player…  FOR THE SEASON.
• Our new pro-bowl quarterback had the [statistically] worst game…  OF HIS CAREER
• We had other key injuries…  THREE OF THEM (yes, three MORE)
• Our consistently amazing special teams unit made a huge error…  THAT MAY HAVE BEEN FATAL
• Our defense looked good all game, but when it mattered most…  THEY CHOKED
• They were not playing a normal Sunday day game, it was a night game…  ON NATIONAL TV
• It was not any game, it was against the Packers…  PUBLIC ENEMY ONE

I’m going to try and answer some common questions often asked after a game like this…

Q: What positives can you take out of a game like this?
A: Well, I didn’t die while watching it, and that’s always a good thing.  (Good for me anyhow)

Q: Can the team bounce back next week and win big in their home opener?
A: Nope.  They play the Superbowl champion Pittsburgh Steelers.  The only thing the Bears can hope for is a Steelers team that gets arrogant and fails to come ready-to-play.  But, hey, this is not just a good team — these are the Superbowl champs!

Q: How big is the loss of Brian Urlacher?
A: Brian who?  Never heard of him.

Q: Should Offensive Coordinator Ron Turner be fired?
A: Football is about the fans, and I’ll tell you — the fans do know the sport.  I personally think Ron is just plain boring for our offense.  If we’re not going to win I at least want us to be exciting…  We have some speed, we have a top running back, and we have a [supposedly?] pro bowl QB.  Lets roll!

Q: Want to make a season record prediction for the Bears this season?
A: No, but I will anyway…  I predict they will start 0-1.  The only noble thing to do is predict that they will go 18-1.  Fifteen wins during the season, 2 wins in the playoffs, and one in the Superbowl!  The only loss being that abomination in Green Bay at the start of the year.  (But if they went 8-8 I wouldn’t say I was surprised)

Q: Would you trade Jay Cutler back to the Denver Broncos for Kyle Orton and some dog food coupons?
A: No.  That is a ridiculous question…  Well…  How much coupon savings are we talking here?

……end of my self interview…… wait, one more thing…..  no, wait, the self interview portion of this blog post is over……

I am doing the rest in bold.  Why, because the Bears lost and I am pouting so I can do what I want!

Oh man, I just remembered…  I am trying to work on being less obnoxious, so off with the bold!

Well folks, the bottom line is that my beloved NFL team the Chicago Bears lost this September 13, 2009 to the Green Bay Packers (see what I did there – all the keywording, it is so Google (Hi Google!) will know my blog post has info about that exact game).  We lost the game, we lost good players, we lost confidence, and I lost my mind…  Oh boy…  Another NFL season is upon us!

Sometimes I can be a real jerk — very stubborn and closed-minded.  I have a “chronic” back ache below my left shoulder and decided it was time to persue some relief.  As my friends know, I am not huge into medicine and doctors…  So, I decided to give Massage Therapy ad try.

A couple of years ago I gave Lisa a gift that included a 1-hour massage session and she seemed to enjoy it and benefit from the experience.  I have never really, until now, decided to give it a try myself.  But yesterday seemed like the right day to give it a go.

My appointment was for 3:45PM and at 2PM or so I started to get a bit anxious about it — strongly considering cancelling but compelled by my pain to follow-through.  So, I told myself to get over my fear of the upcoming experience and “Just Do It” — Nike style.

Lisa and I got the diaper bag ready and headed out to the Chiropractic clinic where the massage theripist works.  When we arrived I was asked to fill out some paperwork — which included asking for my personal info (name, address, etc) along with some “medical” questions…  Was I tired, stressed…  Did I suffer from any diagnosed diseases, etc…  I filled it out and waited (with Lisa and Beeber) for a little bit when the lady came out and said she was ready for me.  Ugh…  I instantly had the feeling of regret.  Now, I know a theraputic massage for most people would be a relaxing experience they would look forward to — but for me, this was the same as being called into the dentists chair.  I was really having strong second (or third) thoughts.

So, I follow the lady back into a dimly lit room.  In the room was a massage table, some candles and oils, and a clock-radio which was playing some “relaxing” music.  There was also what I would call a “Chinese Curtian”…  Nothing Chinese about it really, just a little area to change.  The massuse (is that spelled right?) told me to go behind the curtain and remove my clothing down to my underwear.  umm…

Clearly she saw the expression on my face and added “you can kee your shorts on if you’re more comfortable”.  I took a second and told her “I really prefer leave everything on”.  She seemed a bit thrown by the request (this can’t be the first time someone wanted to leave their shirt on!?) and said that I can do whatever I am comfortable with but that some of the massage uses oils/lotions and that it would be harder for her to feel the muscle strain and work the muscles with my shirt (actually shirts) on.  I said that I would be ok — not a big fan of oily stuff being rubbed into my skin anyhow.

After a little discussion of my pain I laid face-down in the massage table and the massage began.  She started massaging my shoulders and immediately asked “are you wearing another shirt under this shirt?” (which I thought was obvious)…  I told her I was and she expressed that it was going to be very difficult to give a good massage through two shirts because they would keep moving.  Me, getting more anxious, just stated “oh, ok”…  I wasn’t about to remove any shirts — I had intentionally put the 2nd shirt on as it is kind-of a security blanket for me.

Anyway, I glanced at the clock at this time and it was 3:47 – about 1 minute since the start of the massage.  The massuse (seriously — is that right!?) suggested I keep my head down and relax — relax my arms, etc.  She began to massage me again — my shoulders, my upper back…  As this point it seemed like I was in there FOREVER and I started to get worried about Lisa and the Beebs.  Were they ok in the waiting room?  Was he driving mommy crazy — gettting into everything?  I looked at the clock 3:49…  Ugh.  Only two minutes had gone by and I was really ready to get out of there!

She continued…  I was a bit amazed when she finds a point on my back and says “this muscle is really tight” — yes, she was RIGHT on the spot of my pain.  She started massaging the area below my left shoulder and it did feel like the pain was being “worked-out”.  I looked again at the clock… 3:50.  ONE MINUTE!  Time has stopped!

She once again very nicely reminded me that picking up my head to look at the clock is putting stress on my neck and that I should focus on relaxing.  At this point I felt the need to get up and stretch.  She says ok and I get up — ugh, 3:51…  At this point I tell her “I’m good” and she looks a bit puzzled.  I tell her I’ve had enough and am ready to go.  She says she will not charge me for the full 30-minutes because “You only had about 5 minutes of massage”.

I felt badly and told her I didn’t mind paying full since it was my choice — she just gave me a total (much discounted) and we were done.  Yea!

Here is the “I’m a jerk” part…  I didn’t really think about it at the time, but she is a Massage Theripist.  Being her career, I am sure that she, like everyone else, likes to feel/know that they did a good job.  I think I should have at least said something to let her know that it was just my personal issues — I am sure she was a fine MT.

I imagine it was like someone leaving in the middle of your show and that never feels good.  Once again, Lisa was right.  She KNEW I was going to have a problem and not want to take my shirt off and then not be able to relax for a massage.  She pleaded with me before the massage to go with what I was told and not to “act like yourself”.  Like the time the doctor told me to take the stress test and I said “I am NOT drinking a radioactive solution – sorry!”.  Anyhow…  So, I feel a bit badly about the whole thing.  Not to mention that my back still hurts — and, when I thought about it in hindsight (dang hindsight!) the massage was actually helping the pain.  Ugh!   I wish I wasn’t such a jerk some times.

But at least I made another blog post.  That is like 3 in a month — a record for me I am sure.

P.S.  Thank you Lisa for putting up with all my “quirks”.  I love you sooo much!

Not to quote Toby Keith, but…  I today am feeling glum.  Back-to-Back shows I have auditioned for and not been cast.  🙁  Joseph and now Little Shop.

I am sure it will be a great show I was just so excited (with the hope) to be a part of it.  I tried out for the voice of the plant and, well, someone else tried out who was better — that’s theatre!

I am just a bit down realizing that never before Joseph had I auditioned for a musical and not made the cut and now…  It is 2-in-a-row and I have to face the facts — I AIN’T AS GOOD AS I ONCE WAS.  Ahh, growing older…  🙁  In fact, the last musical I auditioned for and was cast in was Grease a FEW YEARS ago!  Ugh!

Anyway, some great people auditioned and made Little Shop — some of our new friends from Hicksville auditioned and really did outstanding!  AND THEY MADE IT!!!  🙂

You can see the complete Little Shop cast list here.

It is a real sad realization that my musical theatre “career” has definately passed it’s prime and very well might be over (eneded with Grease! — ugh!).

Oh well.  I wish I had appreciated my God given talents more when I still had them; I was never very confident.  It is ironic that I was never very satisfied with my singing in the past and now I only wish I could have my past talent back — eech!!!

Acting wise I have lost a few steps too — I thought my reading for the voice of Audrey II went really well; though I know I stunk up the place with my “singing” of Love Changes Everything.  Ugh…  This stinks!

Ugh…

It’s near 4AM and I sit on my computer not so much by choice but as an effect of the trend that has been occurring in our house for what feels like the past 4 years…  Kids waking me up all night.

Tonight we got home from a (amazing) production of The Lion in Winter and put ourselves to bed at around 1AM.  Here is a time line since that point…

1AM – move Disney off the bed and onto the floor in our room, which used to be the only place (at home) she would sleep.

1:10AM  – Disney wakes up and wants a special blankie, so I run downstairs and get it for her.

1:27 AM – Disney wants to sleep in her room (WOW!) so I carry her there and put her to bed.

1:49 AM – Disney wants milk so I run downstairs and get her some.

2AM – Disney wants to sleep in our room, so back on the floor she goes.

2:29 AM – Disney wants to sleep downstairs on the couch, so I carry her down.

2:42 AM – Disney wants a light on…  I try to wait it out…  She persists…  Light on.

3:04 AM – Disney wants back upstairs.  I get her and bring her back to our floor.

3:31 AM – Disney wants in our bed.  I cannot sleep when she is there so I tell her no.  She cries until 3:40 and wakes Christopher.  I put her in our bed.

3:49 AM – Christopher is back to bed after being awaken by Disney.  Disney is now in our bed along with Lisa and Charity.  No room for me to sleep.

3:55 AM – Unable to sleep from stress and kids in bed, I start this blog and think about the big day we have tomorrow…

I love the kids and I love everything about my life, but I realized today that I probably have not had a good night’s sleep in 4+ years.  Even on the rare occasion when a child is not waking me up, my body has been programmed not to sleep through the night — waking up at the sound of a feather hitting the ground.  I really don’t believe I have had more than 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep since 2004 and no more than 5 hours sleep total for a night since that time as well.

I have always prided myself on not needing much sleep – seeming to be able to function at a somewhat normal level with an amount of sleep that would leave others dragging…  But I am starting to realize some negative health effects from my major sleep deprivation.

• I have gained over 50lbs in the PAST 2 YEARS, yet I eat no more than I have and exercise no less.  In fact, I would guess I get more exercise as I run up-and-down stairs dozens of times per day.
• I have become clumsy at times – falling down the stairs, stubbing toes, etc…  Which I never used to do.
• I have trouble concentrating at times.  Where in the past I have been able to count on a laser focus — especially when there was an important task to be completed.
• I have lost some zest for my hobbies starting to see them more as chores that interfere with a possible chance for rest.

Now, I want to keep this all in perspective.  I am far from a zombie, and I am not dragging through the days.  On a daily basis my life is still the most wonderful and blessed of lives.  My family is simply the best, my friends second to none, and I simply love the gifts I have been given.  Each day I still feel is the best one yet in my life.

Yes, I still live with the knowledge that I am the luckiest person on earth!

I guess this is just a life lesson to me — I have been wrong all my life.  Sleep is not an awful consumer of time that deprives you of the joys and the accomplishments that can only be achieved and realized by being awake.  (You cannot 2x the quality/quantity of your life by eliminating [waste-of-time] sleep as I once thought in my younger years)

I am just so tired of being so tired.  It’s 4:18AM now, time to find some place to lay down and see if I can’t get at least 1 hour of decent sleep tonight.  SUPER FUN DAY TOMORROW — CHURCH, FAMILY BREAKFAST, BIRTHDAY PARTY, GIRL SCOUT EVENT 🙂 !!  Wahooo!

UPDATE:
4:30 AM – Return to bed, Disney awakes cries to be covered with her blankie.  Wakes Christopher.  Fill Christopher’s bottle, change his diaper, back to bet at 4:44.

5:09 AM – Disney cries as she does not have enough room on bed.  I move to sliver on my side and have trouble sleeping.  My last check of the clock and it is 6:18 AM.

7:23 AM – Christopher wakes up and wants bottle.  Charity barks to go outside.  I ignore her, she continues.  Back to bed at 8:30 or so.

9:08 AM – Disney and Sammie wake up.  It is time to get up for the day.  Me and kids get up, I try and let Lisa sleep a bit since she no-doubt is disturbed by all the over-night action.  She probably doesn’t get much more as the chaos of the day has begun.

9:27 AM – I am finishing this blog.  Time to get ready for our big fun day!  🙂

I am so tired…

If you’ve seen friends you might remember the episode when Joey, a often unemployed and ridiculously bad actor, gets a review that reads “Not believable as a human being.”…  Well, today I am the received such acclaim.

I am in a local production of the Nerd and play the title character or Rick Steadman; the Nerd.

With such choice phrases used as “over the top” and “upstages the others” and “hard to believe he is a real person” it is indeed time to ask myself the question…  Am I as bad as Joey?

The good news is the show itself got a good review and so did some of my VERY WELL DESERVING castmates!!  🙂  🙂

Oh well.  I can only learn for next time.  I have always found myself a little better at dramatic roles; not a character actor am I.  For now I will have to live with “not being believable as a human being” — or at least “hard to believe he is a real person”.

Well, I got the results from the Ultrasound today and there is good news.  They do not show anything.  So, there is nothing visibly wrong with my Pancreas, Liver, Kidneys, or Gall Bladder.  YEAH!

However, this also brings some bad news.  Lisa & I have to wait to find out what the heck is wrong with me until possibly next Wednesday!

I will be getting a gastroendoscopy and colonoscopy on Thursday and then we will have to wait 3 – 4 business days for the result.  🙁

Wish me luck!  I am trying to keep positive but also must admit I am very scared.  I just am so thankful to have such a wondeful wife to support me!  SHE IS PERFECT!

Anyone who knows me well knows that sometimes I can lack confidence.  I suppose years of adolescent torment can do that to someone.  But one thing I was confident in was my ability to make a good persuasive argument.

NOT ANYMORE.

After recent events as a member of our local theatre’s “Play Reading Committee” I am wondering if when I talk I simply make no sense…  If what is a compelling argument (point) to me is just plain stupid to everyone else.

You see, our theatre has a play reading committee where people involved with the theatre meet to discuss what plays and musicals to do for the following season.  This year, to start, we were given the assignment of bringing a complete season (OR TWO – with dates & location) to the meeting and your reason for selecting the shows you named.

As far as I could tell, I was one of the only ones who completed the assignment in it’s entirety.  Some had just a few shows they would reccommend while others had 5-shows for a full season and no particular order.

I brought in two complete seasons…  Shows, dates, and REASONS as to why I picked those shows and those dates.  I made sure to keep in mind the needs of our struggling theatre and the mandates which had been given to us from the Trustees of the theatre.  These mandates were to do a show that involved children, pick one show where everyone who auditioned could be cast, and to pick shows which the audience would have an awareness of already.

The shows I named specifically were:
Bryan in Feb – A Few Good Men (or) Diary of Anne Frank
May in Montpelier – Phantom or Clue the Musical
August in Montpelier – The Goodbye Girl or Lost in Yonkers
October in Bryan – Little Shop of Horrors (Cast ALL)
Nov/Dec in Montpelier – Miracle on 34th Street (Cast ALL **KIDS***)

My logic was to create a season around a theme of “The Movies”.  As many of the general, non-theatre lover, public might not know some core plays — almost everyone has heard of these movies.

I also placed a Christmas show (with kids in the cast) in our December slot, a show with a “Halloween” theme in our October slot (which could be one where we cast everybody), and a serious acting play (drama) at the begining of the season.

I argued that as a theatre we need to do more to entice the public.  Giving them something they already know is a key factor.  This is why so many community theatres in large markets focus on primarily musicals.  While a theatre lover may have heard of Scapin — almost everybody has heard of West Side Story.

Anyway, since we don’t want to do 3 – 5 musicals a year I thought “movies” would be a good way to go…

GUESS NOT.

The latest meeting of the play reading committee has left me with no doubt.  I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT.

I have been with the theatre several years now and, not to pat my own back, but the productions I have been heavily involved in have been extremely successful from both a financial and cast-retention standpoint.  However, it seems I make such a poor argument and such little sense that…  Well, as the season begins to form I can see that NONE of my suggestions will be there.

It’s not that I love those shows or anything.  Anyone who knows me knows I would rather do Assassins and Shear Madness…  Or even Noises Off.  But the point is, what I saw as a persuasive arguement (to get known shows in the season) seems to have been more of a pointless and non-compelling one.

It seems that my (obviously misguided) banter has become so apparently flawed that I am just getting ignored now.  For example…

This last meeting we were trying to get any show that already had a director and solidify it into the season.  I reminded the group that I was willing to direct Little Shop of Horrors.

Another member of the committee (a dear friend of mine!) suggested another musical, Honk.  She suggested that she might be able to find a director for that one.

Well, the leader of our committee (who I absolutely adore — no sarcasm — love the guy!) says “I move we commit to Honk and put it in the season since we have a musical that someone will probably want to direct”.

I reminded the committee that we have two other musicals who people have COMMITTED to direct.  Little Shop and Jesus Christ Superstar.  I asked that maybe we commit to one of those.

“No, I think it’s too early to commit to one of those.  Let’s see what happens with some other things first.”

WHAT!?  The same person who JUST WANTED to put HONK (a musical of which he had never seen / heard) into the season because it MIGHT have a director said NO to putting either of the shows I talked about in the season for the reason of??

That is when I relalized — I have completely devalidated (is that a word) myself.  Apparently I have made so many bad mistakes and so many poor arguments that now when I speak it is just considered nonsense.

Oh well.  At least I know now not to think too highly of my persuasive speaking skills.